Celestial Credits Coffee, By Jake Rennels

Today, we have a sweet little guest blog by Friend Of The Facts Jake Rennels! For those of you who have not had the pleasure of meeting Jake, he is an avid Organized Play GM, with over 125 SFS tables to his name - talking easily over 500 hours of Society games! When he's not writing his own to-be-published adventures, he serves as the Society Venture Captain for the St. Louis, MO and Western Illinois areas. You can find him on the Paizo boards under the alias FreedomSnake, on twitter @jakerennels, and on facebook /jakerennels. Now, let's see what he created for us, hmm?

The Galaxy’s Greatest Coffee!

You know that community culinary food synthesizer in your ship’s galley? The one everyone on your ship uses, but no one seems to clean or remember to turn off? The one you dump a handful of UPBs into as you look at it in disgust while making that same, tired, not-quite-right cup of coffee when you first start your shift? Of course not, neither do I, but let us not kid ourselves. We all know someone who does; and I am sure it’s a terrible thing to experience. Fortunately for you, I have recently discovered a new chain of bistros popping up in outposts and settlements throughout Near Space known as Celestial Credits Coffee. Unsurprisingly, most of the beings I have come across have simply abbreviated the name, calling it 3C.

The menu offerings at 3C look typical at first glance: the usual fare of elaborately named, seemingly overpriced coffee and food most modern bistros seem to serve these days. The menu itself, however, is anything but typical. Although they offer an app for ordering in advance, the on-site menu is clearly designed to be its own wonderful experience. The visual aspect is created by the somewhat archaic means of rubbing various soft, brightly colored rocks against a prominently displayed sheet of hardened stone in hard-to-reach but easy-to-read locations. This is unusual, of course, but is hardly the most remarkable part. Everyone I have talked to sees the menu written in their native language (if they have one). Even more extraordinary is how unnecessary the ocular onslaught of brightly colored rubbings actually is. Anyone who enters the place just seems to know what’s on the menu without needing to actually see it. This is a feature that is incredibly handy for those who don’t rely on sight, or for those who prefer not to experience something similar to looking at a bryrvath.

Another curiosity I have witnessed is the frequent ordering of items not on the menu. A seemingly popular one appears to only be available as a dine-in option. The barista brings out three aquatic-in-origin half-shell serving boats. The first two are filled to the brim, each containing a different liquid. The third is an empty shell identical to the first two. Now, I have yet to figure out how they do it, but the patron invariably performs the seemingly impossible task of pouring the contents of the two full shells into the single empty shell, then drinks the entire concoction at once. I once asked someone how they managed to make the contents of the two shells fit into the third, but they burst into hysterical laughter as if I had asked them how to do something as trivial as drink a glass of water.

Remarkably, it is not the periodically updated menu, the uniqueness of its items, or the secret offerings that stand out the most. 3C does not seem to be as much a coffee shop as it is a cultural experience. Species from all over the galaxy appear to be drawn to their locations, some of whom will readily admit to going far out of their way just to grab a cup of coffee. And while many of the patrons are coming and going just as quickly, there is a calm, relaxed atmosphere. Soft lighting fills a lobby full of plush furniture. There is free infosphere access available to all. Decorations, paintings, and digital art from independent, local artists adorn the walls. Like the art, the dishware (except for the shells) is hand-crafted by local artisans and available for purchase. There is even a discount for bringing your previously-purchased dishware to reduce waste and support local economies. Every Celestial Credits Coffee location is a tribute to the talents of its region of Near Space.

I am told the shells are responsibly sourced from an aquatic colony who wish to remain anonymous and sell them to 3C as a means of reducing their own waste when they are no longer needed. What an excellent and responsible way to repurpose one ecosystem’s detritus to bring an enlightened coffee experience to others. If you should find yourself in the vicinity of a 3C, I strongly urge you to experience this wonderful establishment. And if any of you reading this is already a regular patron of Celestial Credits Coffee and knows, I implore you to tell me how to use the 3C shells!

Perplexed,

- Sir Percival Reginald Alouicious Theophilus the Third, Esq.

Celestial Credits Coffee

Not much is known about the proprietors of Celestial Credits Coffee. Like many franchises, they seemed to appear suddenly and out of nowhere, quickly appearing all over Near Space transit hubs. One would be hard-pressed to find anyone who has something negative to say about the company. Most visitors return as often as is convenient. Some will go further out of their way than others to visit. Whether it be the local community support, the comfortable atmosphere, the way the aromas permeate the facility, the secret menu, or the fact that the menu changes every 20 days, Celestial Credits Coffee has one of the highest customer satisfaction rates anywhere.

Interestingly, every franchise operator is a member of the local community where the bistro is established, who was gifted the franchise. Usually plucked from obscurity, these lucky recipients are transported to an undisclosed corporate training facility where they are trained and equipped to manage their local store. These franchise owners overwhelmingly express joy and gratitude for the opportunity they have been given. When confronted, they don’t offer many details about their training and won’t disclose the facility’s location, citing a Non-Disclosure Agreement with the company.

It isn’t uncommon to hear stores of corporations trying to buy into or outright acquire local stores, but they are always met by a team of lawyers that ardently protects the owner, publicly campaigning the importance of the business remaining locally owned and operated. This invariably garners significant public opposition, resulting in the corporation backing down.

Every employee and franchise owner is taught about the unique blend of magic used to make the menu accessible to all but does not know the truth of its abilities. They believe it is a very high-level blending of comprehend languages and mindlink made able to benefit a seemingly unlimited number of patrons at once without the need for direct contact. How exactly this magical effect is achieved is a closely guarded secret.

Celestial Credits Coffee Menu Trap (CR 20)

Every Celestial Credits Coffee establishment has a prominently displayed, magically constructed menu that emanates an Aura of Advertising throughout the entire establishment, regardless of the size of the location. Although written in an unknown language, any creature attempting to read this brightly colored menu sees it in their preferred language and can read it as easily as they would read anything else as per the spell comprehend languages. Additionally, any creature who telepathically or audibly expresses a desire to know what is on the menu suddenly knows the menu contents as per the spell mindlink.

CELESTIAL CREDITS COFFEE MENU TRAP          CR 20

XP 307,200
Type magical; Perception DC 50 Disable Mysticism DC 45 (interrupt the aura of advertising)
Trigger location; Reset 1 round
Aura aura of advertising (75 ft.)
Effect all creatures in range who attempt to read or otherwise learn what is on the menu do so as per comprehend languages or mindlink as applicable to the creature’s senses. If a creature fails its will saving throw, the already present sights, smells, and sounds are subtly amplified and made more appealing to the creature. Upon exiting the establishment, the trap suggests that Celestial Credits Coffee is the best coffee there is and is worth making an extra effort to return and purchase more coffee in the near future, especially because of the positive impact it leaves on the local community. All information gleaned about a creature by the menu is uploaded into the Celestial Credits Coffee central database in real-time. No data is stored locally.

 

AURA OF ADVERTISING          6

School divination
Casting Time 1 round
Range aura (75 ft. radius)
Targets all intelligent creatures
Duration 1 round/level (D)
Saving Throw Will negates; Spell Resistance yes
This aura is a unique blend of three existing spell components, acting as an aura of comprehend languages, mindlink, and a 5th level hack wetware spell (CL 20).

Oh No, We Back On Our Bullshit

 So we have some good news, and we have some bad news.

The good news is that we’ve decided that it’s time to reopen the Starfinder Facts blog yet again. It’s spring, that time of orbital rotation when young organisms’ thoughts naturally turn to fantasies of nebulas, lasers, and of course, service drones turned murderbots by nefarious intent. The eagle-eyed among you may have noticed that we’re tweeting more and more, and the very astute among you may have noticed some curious posts… though more on that in a minute.

We’re not sure if the blog will be the monthly publication that it formerly was, but we have a couple of ideas already loaded into the canister, so worst case scenario you will see at least a couple of goofy ideas come out of us over the summer. We’ve been off exploring other systems and settings, so we’re hopeful that the outside creativity and the increased focus on production will allow us to continue to pollute your timeline with the thematically-absurd-yet-somehow-mechanically-servicable content that you came to know and begrudge.

The bad news is that we came up with this idea during a busy month with just a few weeks before PaizoCon, something that we especially wanted to commemorate by restarting the blog. So we had to cut some corners and thus, we don’t have any new rules content for any of y’all. Writing’s hard, folks, I don’t know if you knew.

Therefore, instead, please enjoy this musical assault on the ol’ listening orifices, and we’ll make sure to get you some rules crunch next month.

Be seein’ you, space cowboys.

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(Oo oo, Help me baby!)

(Oo oo, Help me baby!)

All right! Throw up all six,

Cuz I’m fly like strix

And I’m a rapper and a helper through and through.

I’m real furry,

But you don’t need to worry, see -

I got a whole crew helping me.

Now gather round,

There’s skittermanders in town,

And we throw down a real collaborative sound.

I blaze up all the hyperleaf ya got on ya shelf,

So just let me introduce myself!

My name is Nako, pronounced like THAC0,

You hurt my friends and I will attack-o,

And if your foes ask me for help,

I’ll turn around and stab you in the back-o.

I'm 3 feet tall, y'all,

And like a Veskmas tree

You know you’re gonna fall when I decide to cleave thee.

I got six arms,

I come from the Veskarium,

I'm real fierce, so enemies I’m scarin’ em.

I try to be nice, straight skitter charm,

But sometimes you gotta bust out a longarm.

I'll eat up all your pastries and your candy too,

When you’re a hyper helping monster what’s a ‘mander to do?

Yeah, I eat like crap,

I know it’s awful,

It never stopped me from being helpful.

I give aid!

I like to help out a whole room.

I once blew up an AI - it went BOOM!!

I'm red,

I make my enemies stone dead,

I’m giving help whether or not it’s wanted.

I'm always lookin out to give a helping hand,

And I even got a backing band!

The Help-ty Dance is your chance to give some help.

C’mon!

Do the Helpty Help, come on and do the Helpty Help.

Check me out y’all,

Do the Helpty Help, just watch me do the Helpty Help,

Do ya know what I'm doin', doin' the Helpty Help,

C’mon,

Do the Helpty Help, a-ha, do the Helpty Help.

Dr. Starfinder

Or,

How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Deadline

Starfinder Facts began two years ago because I saw someone making up fake D&D facts and said “Well hell, I could do that.”*

Little did I know that this was going to set into motion a series of events that would lead to me waking up and going “Oh cool, I’m an author! A published author, even!” For those of you that have that same desire and dream, I’m presenting here, in no particular order, some of the lessons I’ve learned.

This is not a How-To guide, because there is no “one path” to becoming anything (especially a creative writer). I am providing my interpretation of my own path, and the advice is being provided not because it will necessarily work for you, but because it happened to work for me.

So: buckle up. We’re in for some chop.

Just Do It.

The first, most important tip: do the work, even if you don’t want to or suddenly realize that it’s hard. As someone with a creative urge, you owe it to yourself to follow through. Worst case scenario: You don’t like it and you can stop dreaming about that idea, because you now know that you don’t like that act of creation (note: this does not mean you don’t like creating. What you’ve learned is that you don’t like creating that thing in that way. This is a very different lesson). Best case scenario? You do like the work and you’ve unlocked a new aspect of yourself to explore and share. Which brings us to tip two...

If An Adventure Drops In Your Notebook, Did It Make A Sound?

Tabletop RPGs are a community exercise, even for those of us who are big ol’ introverts. Even just running your homebrew world for your gaming buddies is a valid way to share your ideas with other like-minded souls - but the more people you share your crazy-ass shit with, the better chances you’ll have of meeting the people who can open doors and help you learn how to go from Weirdo With A Twitter Account to Actually Published Freelance Author. Every person you share your crazy ideas with, in person or online, is one more person who might become a patron, a fan, or an employer. Reference what you make though, and learn the concept of an “elevator pitch” - the 10-second explanation of your high level concept instead of giving them the 10-minute-long detailed outline.

Know Your Audience

One of the first things I did when I started the Starfinder Facts Twitter account was to find all the Paizo names I could think of - not just full-time staff, but freelancers and superfans on Twitter. One of our biggest hits, the Drift Mallard blog post, was inspired by a Lu Pellazar tweet - and sending the link back to Lu wound up getting my goofy-ass work passed around the editor’s block inside Paizo. You never know where you’re going to get inspiration or what is going to take off, so pay attention to industry insiders and maybe you too can get an editor to laugh at something you made up in a 2-hour writing sprint. This also has a direct tie to:

Get By With A Little Help From Your Friends

There’s a lot that’s true: it really is about who you know. I owe a huge amount of my success to being in the right place at the right time: I met Natalie Kertzner in the local Starfinder Society Organized Play scene, who introduced me to Joe Pasini at PaizoCon 2019, who introduced me to Jason Keely, who gave me my first Starfinder assignment. But here’s where the first tip comes in: none of this would have gone anywhere without me having something to show off. Natalie and I bonded over Zigvigix/Historia-7 shipping tweets; Jason Keely opened his assignment e-mail to me with “I love your tweeters!” If you don’t put in the creative work by yourself, then people have no reason to believe you can put in the work for them - and then you have nothing to show off. IT ALL WORKS TOGETHER, PEOPLE!!

Chase Your Passions

The long and short of all of this is that your biggest strength is going to be whatever you’re passionate about. In my case, I found out after a couple of vesk jokes that I had a knack for taking the known lore to unexpected but semi-logical conclusions - or taking an absurd concept and applying rigorous logic to an insane idea. You may have a rigorous mind that’s good at the work of writing (something I lack), or have a knack for truly creative and innovative ideas (that’s not me either - I’m a better remixer than a from-scratch creator). Your talents are going to be completely different than anyone else’s, so all you can do is the work you get excited about, share it, and see who else is a part of your creative tribe.

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And that’s it - or, at least, the parts that are worth sharing. In my experience, getting published is a lot of luck, and it’s a lot of being in the right place at the right time - and putting in the work so that you’ll have what you need when you are in the right place at the right time. So keep being weird, grow your confidence in your unique brand of weirdo, and start recruiting the people who respond to that. There’s your crew, right there.

Be seeing you, space cowboys.

NEW HORIZONS

In the wild black emptiness of the Vast, the planet of New Horizons offers a seemingly idyllic oasis among the dangers of deep space. However, many suspect that underneath the charming facade lurks some dark power and unspeakable secrets.

The planet of New Horizons is the sole habitable planet in it’s solar system, and surveys indicate that the entire planet is covered by a virtually endless array of small archipelagos. The entire planet seems to be temperate and has some minor seasonal variation. The sentient population consists of a unique variety of uplifted animals, including many species that have never been recorded as uplifted variants on any other planets, and a small population of humans - though the “housing allocation” system of the planet only allows one human to live per island.

At first glance, the islands seem to lack any sort of central government, with each island being in charge of its own villagers’ happiness. The economy seems to run on a hunter-gatherer level, with much of the individual wealth being generated on a system of selling gathered sealife, flora, and insects. Despite a lack of any apparent manufacturing facilities, advanced engineering capabilities, or any sort of utility infrastructures, the villages still retain ready access to a number of consumer goods and comforts such as electricity. It is unclear whether these are shipped in from off-planet or whether there exists some sort of hidden manufacturing hub elsewhere, and many entomologists have raised concerning questions as to why tarantulas (and potentially their extracted venom) are so valuable to the shadowy markets running the economy.

The face of a raccoon one island newspaper away from yelling "Bring me pictures of Spider-Villager!"

The biggest unanswered question lies in the management of the shadowy corporation running the planet of New Horizons. The mysterious Mr. Nook, an uplifted racoon, serves as the manager and owner of the general store on literally every island, with anecdotal evidence seeming to indicate that he exists and operates on every one of the mysterious islands simultaneously. Between his Nook Inc.’s ability to manufacture goods with near-instant turnaround and the high price paid for venomous creatures, conspiracy theorists posit that the uplifted racoon may be a powerful technomancer keeping his planet docile on a drug extracted from the arachnids, or even a deific-level outsider running his rigged economy for his own nefarious reasons.

Starfinder Valentines: 2020 Edition!

Ah, Valentine's Day - one of the cultural relics that managed to survive the Gap, possibly because it was so deeply embedded into the bones of AbadarCorp that they spontaneously began putting bows on anatomically-incorrect heart-shaped boxes mid-Calistril every year. Just like last year, we're here to treat you to the behind-the-scenes look at the making of these Valentines. Enjoy!

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Orvoll here, one of the functionally-immortal shatori race, submitted us over 3000 different selfies in his application for a place on the coveted Valentine's roster, including a number of lewds that were discarded. Keep it PG-13, Orvoll! There are kids on the internet!

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We asked First Seeker Elect Eh Hadif Ko'ra Amares of Clan Tolar to submit us a caption for his Valentine appearance. We took the first line of his submission, as we found the other 4 pages (in which he enumerates and codifies the rights and responsibilities of being one's Valentine) to be a little dry.

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Thirty seconds after this picture was taken, both gifts had been thrown (still wrapped) into the fireplace, the goblin had gotten third-degree burns from trying to move a log by hand, and the skittermander was gone to the corner store for kerosene, "to help." The photographer did not survive.

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 This picture was nearly pulled after researchers discovered that the picture was actually from an announcement of execution on a particularly aggressively-run utopian colony, but no one reads the blogs anyways or does the research themselves, so we figured we could get way with it.

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Fire skeletons need love too - but their terrible grasp of consent often gets them into hot water. No means no, fire skeletons - and 12 seconds after this photo, Altronus informed them that Supernova Means Super-No.

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Izalguuns' massive underarms, large and powerful enough to serve as legs but dextrous enough to also serve as arms, have given them a small but fervent following on select corners of the, ahem, Adult Infosphere.

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No, this robot is not being made for a sex thing. Why does everyone immediately ask that question?

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 The leaking of this photo immediately ignited the OboRaia shipping community, a subset of the already-insular group of Starfinder Society groupies who maintain complex theories on who within the Society is dating whom. When we asked the pair for clarification, Obozaya made a series of incredibly vesk-y threats and Raia turned our camera drone into a sparking pile of slag - so we can confidently say that the theories have not been debunked.

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That's all folks! We here at Starfinder Facts hope you enjoy sharing these Valentines as much as we enjoyed making them. Spread some Starfinder affection, heavily utilize the #StarfinderLove hashtag, and have a day full of love and affection - starting from us to you! 💖

Happy Valentine's Day!

In this blog post, we're going to take you behind the scenes with the process behind our smash hit Starfinder Valentines. So strap yourselves in, disengage the airlocks, and let's take a quick tour!

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We went back and forth between this caption and a milder "Do you want to star in my reality show?" caption. While we were initially worried about legal repercussions and, to a lesser degree, fan blowback (no one holds grudges longer than undead fanbases), the decision was ultimately made after a meeting with Zo! and his legal counsel. Zo! erred towards the raunchier line, saying it was "punchier" and ultimately funnier - so thanks for the help, Zo!

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We settled on this non-romantic caption when our six-armed fact checkers found out that the two SROs featured in the photo were related - the smaller of the two actually built the larger of the two. The caption is still considered somewhat controversial on Aballon, as discussion around "the best" relies on subjective judgements, a big no-no around the hyper-logical artificial life forms.

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This iconic photo was caught by a camera-laden drone during Strawberry Machine Cake's now-legendary concert at Songbird Station in 318 AG. Conspiracy theorists insist that the band's public display of support for the Starfinder Society at the concert is a clear-cut sign of reptoid involvement in both the Starfinders and in the upper echelons of the Pact Worlds' recording industry.

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This photo features Tonkona, a veteran xenoarchaeologist within the Veskarium. The oversized relic he is displaying seems to be some primitive culture's attempt at an analog random number generator, though the purpose of such an item has yet to be determined.

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After the initial outcry at the terrible tastelessness of this caption given recent encounters with the violent jinsul race, our legal team advised that all proceeds from sale of this card go to families of the victims of the Starfinder Society's disastrous expedition and subsequent rescue efforts in the Scoured Stars trinary system.

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There isn't a lot of background here - morlamaws love oysters. Like... a lot.

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We have already received a number of threats against Starfinder Facts for daring to defame the good name of the Hellknights, so we consider this one to be work well done.

To quote @LawNOrder666, "This is desgusting Hellknight slander and will not go unavenged! Real Hellknights would never give a valentimes card to followers of CHAOS and DISOBEYING THE LAW and no we do not sleep with DEVILS WE FIGHT THEM AND FIGHT LIKE THEM #NotAllHellknights #Asmodeus320"

So Starfinder Fact: Hellknights allegedly do not sleep with devils, but they apparently are a little lax on the laws of spelling and capitalization.

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This card is, of course, a reference to the classic holovid Qabarat, a romance between two uplifted renkrodas displaced by lashunta-formian hostilities. Released in 242 AG, the film helped inspire a generation of anti-war activists on Castrovel. Tragically, the renkroda who played the role of Grick was put down after eating a number of studio visitors during a backlot tour and was not alive to receive any of the awards the movie won that year from the Academy of Holographic Video Arts and Sciences.

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Finally, some much-deserved thanks and appreciation! 

First, a thank you to the multi-talented Natalie Kertzner, for starting this whole thing with the question "Can you help me think of some Jinsul pick-up lines?" and then volunteering her graphic design skills to upgrade the schlock we normally slap together.

Second, a thank you to all the Paizo staff and freelancers who put so much energy into making Starfinder such a fun, interesting campaign setting and campaign. We wouldn't love this game so much if it weren't for the amount of sheer love and talent that is clearly poured into every star and planet of this universe, so thank you for all of your contributions!

Third, and certainly not least, a special thank you for the fans! We wouldn't do this if it wasn't for all of you having at least as weird a sense of humor as us, so thanks for sticking around and liking what we do. We love all of you Starfinders out there reading this, and hope that you celebrate the day by spreading some #StarfinderLove to your families, friends, and crews.